This is what's on my mind lately. To not belong, and to choose not to belong. I mean, I feel torn on daily basis. I have chosen to leave my home, my family, my friends; all of this, I have chosen to bring upon myself. I was thinking today about those who never have to face this decision. Does this entirely change one's perspective on life? Would I ever be able to understand how it feels to think you can grow old at "home"? Would they ever know the struggles I face knowing that living a "comfortable" life costs parts of my happiness??
I drive during the day, daydreaming in another land. And you know what's amazing about it? I even have pre-packaged daydreams! Like I say let's see the day when I go home and so and so is there. I see each and every smile and re-play each encounter millions of times. This is when I can't come up with a new story; when I just want the sweet, deceiving feeling of belonging and being loved.
Oh, and another thing... I have become obsessed with communicating with others. I worry about lost subtleties, the subtle movement of the eye that may mean something different to another person;something I would never know; like that "noch" sound I make when I mean no.
I'm full of poems. ambiguous poems.
Do I even make sense?
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1 comment:
Negar, my poet, you make perfect sense. Your raw, off-the-cuff writing is very beautiful, as I knew it would be.
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