Ramblings..

I do carry a piece of paper with me to take notes of the thoughts that attack me in the middle of my days, at work, or when I'm trying to concentrate on something..I have a number of thoughts, but right now, I'm a bit off balance so I don't want to follow those thoughts. I want to give in to ramblings and let my thoughts flow..this may help me move on. After all, a sudden death of a part of my childhood has just shocked me. Shocked, is the word. During the day, the thought of him comes to my mind, and as if to torture myself I repeat to myself Farid is dead. dead. dead. Still, it carries no meaning. Whatever, I don't need to face it now, do I? I can let it sink in the way maman gorgani's did.
One thought I have these days is about the concept of "satisfaction" although in somewhat of a particular context. Am I satisfied with where I am or who I want to be? When the answer is negative, it's , at times, mainly because what I have aspired to be is not quite known.
For example, I want to be strong; but what does that mean anyway? A couple of days ago, in the middle of the day, as I was working at the radio, it "came" to me. I was happy; I was glad to be where I was, to be doing what I was doing, and for a fraction of a minute, I felt that lovely feeling of being complete. I felt like I did not need anyone to be happy. just this job, and my mental activities were enough.I thought to myself, only if I could freeze this moment...
Interestingly enough, now I think that may have been the problem itself. Why is it that the idea of strength is defined when you don't need anyone, only your job? Then I thought, to me, it may be because I have a workaholic dad! In my mind, he was strong, and he appeared to not need anyone in particular. How vivid are in my mind the days I had to fight with the news paper over his attention or to tip toe my way into "zir zameen" where he wrote under a picture of Maxim Gorky, wrapped in the smell of his coffee and cigarettes and that black khodnevis...
I, then, came to think men are mostly like that, and I , oh so hopelessly, desired to be one of them. Strong, independent, careless!!
Now how do you convince your HEART (and not mind) that strength is not just one thing. it's not continuous either. You can be strong today and not so very strong another day; that loving another person does not make you less strong..
how does the heart actually come to realize "strong" doesn't mean shit??
And most importantly, in my case, how do you make peace with the split parts of your personality..when one wants to be harshly alone and independent and the other one whispers:
Yek rooz be sheydayee dar zolf e to avizam....