1. Am I getting old?! The harmless thought of spending a night away from my home, and the city, makes me feel uncomfortable. I keep thinking to myself, what do you have to do at home? I can't pinpoint it. It's just that good feeling...I had mentioned before that I'm in love with the city. I guess it is love, and I can't stand "hejr".
2. sometimes when I read a book or watch a movie, I get too preoccupied with "deciding" if it's good or bad, if it's worth my time or not, etc. There is an imaginary universal court of justice in my head. I subject books, movies, people, actions, beliefs (including my own)to it. It's quite absolutist by nature. I try to mediate it.
3. I want to start doing grocery shopping and cooking. Every time I have tried, really tried, it has turned out well. Maybe if I do that it feels less like I’m waiting for my life to start. Maybe now that I have a job that I like,(and that pays) and am spending my days in a fairly happy way, is the time to believe my life has “started”.
4. It is scary when you talk to a friend, who thinks life means nothing; who reminds you that most of the time you are waiting for “recess bell” to get out. At nights, you wait for bed-time to come… at work for 5 o clock, at restaurants for the bill, and in your personal life, for love. You constantly seek distraction in books, movies, love affairs and New Yorker cartoons. You hurt and get hurt. My logic can’t say much to that. I guess that’s true. But so what? I seem to feel that we are able to enjoy little moments. It’s true; I watch movies and read and eat and fall in love to be distracted, but what’s wrong with that? I hurt and get hurt, but I also love and get loved! Maybe it’s all “heech”, but it can be beautifully so; maybe I’m too much of a child, but I still think of “del o jegar” nights with Amoo Shari, beautiful yellow leaves, good vanilla ice cream, great poems and deep embraces and feel happily alive.
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