I have this strange feeling that my life is going to start at some point in the future, and I am rehearsing it for the time being. My sense of perfectionism, then, makes me want to take as long as I can to "enter" the life so when I do, it would be flawless.
The scary moments when I realize "this is it"..I look away and recite a beautiful poem in my head and think about people I love; or my childhood.
Today, I was remembering the long hours of "Mosha'ere" in my family. Moshaere is a game where one person recites a poem, and the next person has to "give" a poem that starts with the letter the previous poem ended with. Maman gorgani always won. She had a trick. She memorized poems based on the letters they started with. She knew many poems that started with the letter "d", because somehow, that was the most commonly used letter at the end of poems we all knew!! A statistician at heart, she was.
The interesting thing about my situation is, the child within me is still that happy, clown like kid that I become whenever I go home. I dance like crazy people and speak in an accent that I have created (and ALL my aunts and uncles follow!). I'm loud, proactive, comfortable and FILLED with love. Even the moments of despair are wrapped in some deeply rooted feeling of warmth. What is it about them that makes me feel this way? Their simple lives? Their "out there" sort of loving?
It feels good to have a place, imaginary or not, that you think you can go to and it will always be there. with green trees, pretty memories, and a number of people you love so much you can explode.
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1 comment:
Garne, as usual, you underestimate yourself. Your writing is great, easy to read and strait forward. There are no bullshit sentences to dress up the entry, just a train of thought as it should be. I dont have a blog but I kept a journal for four years and it really helped me in many ways.
and now for the cliche "keep it up"
p.s. I just realized i didnt have a blog at that time because the concept was not mainstream, if it even existed in 1996-2000. Or maybe it was just bang and KG.
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